rhythm reminder
Written: 2006-07-22 at 2:26 p.m.
beat right...
beat right...
beat right...
i don't want to have to remind my heart to keep its rhythm. i don't want to be constantly aware of how its beating. to be woken up by erratic beating. i need to go back to the cardiologist. its not right. its never right. i'm never right. i'll never be right.
i fainted in front of the boy. he freaked, no he FREAKED. i suppose i would too though was it the other way around with the same circumstances. we've been arguing all week. he thinks i don't take this seriously enough. i don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. the thought that i've completely ruined my body is devestating, i'm not going to dwell on it. its depressing.
my labs came back, i was severely dehydrated last week, so on top of that the alcohol i had and the tiny bit of drugs i did and the excessive heat and the fact that i hadn't eaten before drinking was probably the major factor in my fainting spell.
my heart was like a run away train after the little spell. i was sick after and i thought it was going to explode. i scared him really bad. i feel horrible about it. and the jokes about it the day after to make myself feel better about completely embarrassing myself made him upset. there's no winning.
i'm afraid i'm not going to get cleared for school, that i'm going to be farther away from finishing. more afraid that there's going to be something seriously wrong with my heart when i go this week. i'm not sure i'd be surprised if she tells me i had a minor heart attack. that's what it felt like. i'll never admit that anywhere but here so shhhh.
i hate my body. as much for its shape as for its lack of working how i want it too.
i'm pretty healthy in the day to day stuff but this is serious and i've not been feeling good for awhile and that sucks. i don't want that. i don't want to go back to that. i want to be able to do something every day and handle it and not in two weeks be immediately run down.
:(