back again
Written: 2005-10-17 at 5:25 p.m.
well ... its been awhile since i've been here. i come often, type nonsense and then delete it. nothing quite looks right.
like the four tries i just deleted.
what is wrong with me? i'm such a bumbling idiot sometimes. why can't i just type out what i'm thinking without everything getting all jumbled and disorganized and scary looking?
ugh.
i've a feeling after my dr's appointment on wednesday she's going to suggest i start coming here more regularly. i've got a new therapist that i'm having trouble opening up to.
that is a joke. i've not even told my dr. what i've been doing. i'm afraid to go on wed, its unavoidable this confrontation. i can't hide weight loss like this anymore.
oh man, maybe i'll just stay home, its so not going to go well, and i know i'll have let her down. i was "doing so well" i was fucking fat is what i was.
i just got sick of it. i cannot stand the way my body feels like that. the roll of flesh digging into waistbands, the padding of flesh over bones that should be fairly easy to feel if not at least see. the handful of fat i can grab on my back. i am to young to have back fat like that. it is disgusting.
i should never have gained as much weight as i did. had i stayed around my goal weight i think i would have been ok. its not underweight or unhealthy. for my height i mean.
i know it sounds like i'm just trying to rationalize all this to you, or to myself and maybe i am. i just cannot stand to stay this way.
i know that how i'm doing it is extremely unhealthy and dangerous. again. i should be smarter having been given this second chance to get it right. i tried the healthy weight loss. my body apparently does not resond to it. i feel shitty and like i'm just disappointing every single person who's said how proud they are of me. which is why i've not posted too much. irl and here. i'm sorry. i couldn't do it. i couldn't stay recovered and fat.
i'm not sure i was ever more than just weight recovered. my thoughts as hard as i pushed them never fully crossed over to full body acceptance. obviously because look at where i find myself today, eating 250 calories and feeling like crap.
i know i need help, i know it. i just can't quite form the words. i can't quite admit that things are wrong, i spend such a huge part of time and energy in making sure everyone in real life never sees the dark circles under my eyes and sees me eating. sees me laughing and happy.
this goddamn persona i've always put on. i don't know how to turn it off and just admit to anyone let alone myself that maybe ... just maybe i'm fucked and have zero control.