changes
Written: 2006-04-06 at 3:57 p.m.
thought it was time for a change. the other layout was dark and made me feel fat.
so here's something bright and nice to look at. refreshing.
i called out of work today. i just didn't feel like going. like having to take a shower. getting naked and having to touch my naked flesh. then having to deal with clothing it. i'm really not getting better. i am eating more, stuffing myself to extremes because i cannot afford to lose more weight. i feel on the verge of vomiting all the time.
i feel like my stomach is distended to where everyone can see it. which is embarrassing. and disgusting to me.
my boy is away on a weekend trip with friends. i've had jelly beans and some cous cous today. because i gained some weight so i don't technically have to stuff myself today. and because nobody's watching me today. i can.
which i know is horrible and wrong. but i think every now and then i need to just give in to that feeling. to let myself feel hungry, to hear my stomach growl a little. because feeling like i'm going to vomit all the time is no walk in the park. and its not helping me adjust to this. it just makes me feel ... out of control and like i'm doing this once again for everyone else and not for myself. because i'd be doing it differently ... less unpleasantly if it were for me.
*shrugs*
i just want to stop this.