control
Written: 2005-11-22 at 9:44 p.m.
weigh myself. oh shit. should probably eat something today. ten bites of rice tummy bloated. stop eating. ask husband do you think i'm thin? he nods. to thin? he nods. by how much? he refuses to answer.
stomach feels everextended. ten bites of rice after all day on water and 70 calories of carrot juice and i want to puke. i am in trouble. and i am ashamed of myself. i have to get weighed tomorrow and i couldn't even make myself eat enough to gain a few pounds today. not that it would make a difference and stick overnight at this point.
i would drink a lot of water before hand ... but she would know, poke my belly make me pee. worthless. and i feel crummy. and have therapy beforehand. not a chance in hell i would make it through.
there was talk of renfrew last week. i hope to god my scale is wrong. please please please god let it be wrong. (but not really) how fucked up am i. i don't want to get in trouble but i wouldn't really mind weighing 116.
i don't want to withdraw from the semester. i don't want to go to a program. they never EVER work for me and i will inevitable sign myself out after three to four days of crying over meals and the disgusting bloat. i walked home once. and is the holidays there's not a chance i'm going into a program right now.
i just need to get myself under control. this under control. something ... anything under control.