lazy girl made it to the computer
Written: 2006-03-28 at 7:13 p.m.
well its been awhile.
i lack the desire to update here or anywhere as often as i probably need too. i apologize should there be anyone hanging on for words to come dribbling out. HA!
i really think i'm just a lazy girl when it all comes down to it. ask me what i do all day. go ahead ask me. i do nothing. this is what i should be doing: finishing my school work from last semester, which is kind of a lot and due pretty soon i think. keeping the place nice, errands, keeping on top of things. i do none of it.
there are old dishes in the sink, the place needs to be vaccuumed, i have not really started on any of my school work. aside from order the books i need. i sleep late every day, fuck around on the internet go to my appointments, get ready for said appointments, because god forbid i go out of the house without have my hair done and makeup on. looking a mess, jesus christ.
i don't do anything. i'm not even really doing what i need to be doing in my treatment plans. i am supposed to be eating a lot more than i am. and while i'm not starving myself, i'm not doing 100% maybe like 70% just enough to not lose any weight and exactly enough to not gain any either.
and while i feel a little like maybe 70 percent effort is enough, its gotten me healthier, my labs are a gazillion times better, my overall everyday feeling is great, i know its not enough. and i know i say this all the time but what the fuck is the point. how many times have i tried in the past to alter my distorted body image, to change my horrendous self image, to change my negative self esteem. why should i believe that after a few months my pretending to be fine with my body is going to be any different. i'm not going to pretend this time. i refuse.
what is my malfunction. i hate this. i hate being sick, i hate having to go to appointments every week, and yet i am so seriously terrified of losing control and gaining weight like i did last time, (and yes i have told this to all of my peoples) that i am at a standstill in my treatment.
i'm such a fuckup.
i want to be able to look in the mirror and not despise what i see. not cry at the sight of myself. it would be nice to think *gasp* is it even possible that i was pretty, maybe even thin. is it true ... could i be thin and pretty?!?!?! but i have severe doubts that will ever happen.
so while i'm willing to eat more and reintroduce foods i've cut out. and maybe work on gaining three or four pounds. i have great doubt that anything is going to change in this big old head of mine.