the proverbial eating disorder mind fuck
Written: 2005-11-16 at 1:14 p.m.
well.
i flew by my goal weight. never even rested at it. my dr is shall we say less than thrilled. i was weighed in clothing so i'm probably even lower than the scale read. i need a new scale at home. mine is obviously not reading right.
my bloodwork is in the lab as we speak i'm hoping for good results. i feel like crap so am not too optimistic. apparently i look like hell so she's not to optimistic either. whatever as long as they're better than last week, and my potassium is better and all my eating this weekend is for nothing i'll be happy.
i've got a midterm tomorrow. ask me how prepared i am. go ahead ask me. ha. oh jesus.
i'm annoyed with myself. seriously annoyed. i'm past my goal weight, my therapist wants me to gain a pound or two so i'm at my goal weight and i'm like what the hell am i going to gain weight for. that's stupid. when i know its not. obviously my body hates me these days, why can't i just be happy with it.
ah the proverbial eating disorder mind fuck.
i'm thinner than i was, i should be happy, i know i'm thinner why don't i see it? if i at least know i'm thinner why can't i at least just accept it and move on, why must i still stand in front of the mirror and jiggle my flesh until i make myself sick. what is wrong with me.