not such a good spot to be in
Written: 2006-03-29 at 3:02 p.m.
i think my body is freaking out on me. i'm so not even joking. i got on the scale this morning and had a little bit of a freak out. i jumped off and fiddled with the thing got back on got off readjusted got back on. i lost three pounds. i'm back down to 115.
i'm eating exactly the same. no excercise. i dont know what is going on.
and this is after last night i admit to my nutritionist that i'm feeling like i'm getting fatter, like visually. which is making me feel completely insane because i haven't gained any weight. (i hadn't yet lost any so i was still thinking i was the same weight) that the reason i feel so completely insane is because yes i am completely aware that i've got a distorted body image. but that i've never in a few days been able to notice that i'm seeing a actually large self reflection in the mirror than i was last week.
like my reflection- bigger, fatter, whatthefuckever is freaking me the fuck out. so we process it try to calm me down cause the more i try to explain it and remain calm the more upset i'm getting cause i'm a logical person and seriously. none of this makes any GODDAMN SENSE.
and then this morning happens. i've lost three pounds. and this is after looking in the mirror. after thinking my weight is going to be the same because i look as ungodly large as i did last night. i go back to the mirror- still the same. i'm seeing a larger misa than i was last week, and by the laws of physics i should be seeing a slightly smaller one.
no time to fuck around with lighting and angles i've got therapy.
i walk into therapy. we discuss my weekend and something uned related that's been on my mind for a few days and then...
her: how much do you weigh
me: uh i dunno internal dialouge: oh holy shit can she tell ... oh crap ... don't tell her ... does she always ask ... did she ask last week ... oh no
her: yes you do
me: uh ... promise you won't get mad or upset.
her: i thought so, you look like you lost five pounds from last week.
me: uhhhhh well i didn't do anything different, and i'm eating the same.
her: no excercise?
me: no ... i promise, nothing's different. i don't understand it at all. no drugs, no skipping anything. i'm eating mostly everything and everytime i'm supposed to.
ack. i'm running late for a maid of honor dress fitting. be back to finish this later.