not cleared
Written: 2006-04-19 at 4:44 p.m.
AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
i'm still really upset. wrote over in lj this morning, when i had gotten home from the dr. and i'm still sitting here stewing about it.
i haven't been this upset about something in a long time.
i was only supposed to be on a medical leave for this semester. i was supposed to go back for the summer sessions. and now my dr. is not going to clear me until i gain more weight. but by not clearing me this week, basically pushes me into having to wait until september. because once my dr clears me i have to meet with the school health center, meet with their dr. and their psychologist, which i'm sure is not a big deal but going to take a few weeks to get done, and i'd need to make the appointments now in order to register in time for classes.
i've been trying to work on the rest of my thesis all day, i've gotten nothing done cause i'm actually really upset about this. i've sat here all day doing nothing. absolutely nothing.
i just want to go back to school. i hate all this sitting around. everyone's graduating and moving on and once again i'm sitting here stuck in a dismal place angry with myself because i screwed it all up AGAIN.
and i've been eating, my meals and snacks and juices, and lattes, and vitamins and supplements and every god damn thing i'm supposed to be doing. not purging, not excercising, no drugs (well, aside from the occasional bump here and there, but that's rare).
i have no idea why my weight isn't budging. and if it is in fact because my metabolism is back to normal, than doesn't this mean that this weight is an acceptable one for me? if my body is maintaining here without my having to starve or purge or excercise like a freak than why do i have to push even harder.
mainting on a pretty solid and normal diet, of three meals and snacks. i'm eating more normal than most people these days. i eat when i'm hungry. i listen to my body, get my nutrients in.
I HATE THIS.
:(
a lot.
i'm going to bed.