i wish i was a plant
Written: 2006-04-05 at 3:33 p.m.
i am tired of this. i am not ok.
i've been eating a ridiculous amount for the past week trying to get my weight up back to where it was two weeks ago because i was in trouble. i have felt like i was going to throw up after every meal. wanted to throw up after every meal spent hours curled in a little ball because my stomach was distended and hurting. knowing i couldn't possibly go back into that office weighing 115 again.
so i ate crap. i had mcdonalds french fries and milkshakes, i had ensure and pb&j sandwiches, i ate rice and beans and grilled cheese sandwiches, mashed potatoes and pancakes. ugh i want to vomit just thinking about all the food i ate.
there was talk again of hospitals. because i am around 80% of my ideal body weight. i just shook my head. i've been put in IP twice and both times left after only days. it is not my cup of tea. its not going to happen this time either.
but i managed with the help of a large breakfast this morning to weigh in at a better weight. is that cheating? i don't care. she said i could excercise again. in moderation of course. i can jog one mile or walk three. but if i lose any weight i have to stop. annoying. i dont think i've ever worked out without the intent to not be losing weight. weird. and i want it to be ok i want to be able to go outside and enjoy a nice walk without getting worked up about how many calories i'm burning if its going to make me lose weight or not. but i dont know if i know how to do that. i'm not normal enough to be able to do that. i think i know that already.
my therapist is worried about me, begged me to take better care of myself this week. said i don't look good. i am tired All the time. i don't want to eat anything ever, i'm so sick of it.
i wish i was a plant. then i could just go lay out in the sun. i think i was meant to be a plant, i like laying on the beach far to much to have meant to be a human.