spiral, commence downward
Written: 2005-11-09 at 7:49 p.m.
spiral ... commence downward.
today is my friends birthday. i'll be at suede in the city.
i'll be definitely be drunk. and more than likely indulging in a a little or a lot of coke, depending on how drunk i am and how long we are there for. i almost don't want to go because we are celebrating her birthday on friday and i feel like putting myself in this situation twice in one week is not too wise. its not really something i can get out of, she is a really good friend, it would hurt her if i begged out of tonights festivities. it would hurt me if she didn't share my birthday.
i am an idiot. anyway.
dr's visit today. weight in clothing because i refused to put on a gown in the freezing room, two pounds away from my goal. she insists i weigh like three pounds under because of course i'm wearing five pounds of clothing *eyeroll*
its weird to be so close to my goal. i'm wearing pants i have not fit into in years. seriously. they slid right on this morning. like buttah. not even going to lie- i was thrilled. my breath caught for a second. the thought ranhrough my head "ohmygod in heaven could i possible be this skinny again. quick run to the mirror see if its true. oh- i'm still the same fatass." disappointment again.
why i thought this time would be different is beyond me. i'm still holding out for the magic that maybe my goal weight will bring. maybe just maybe it will be like lifting the stupidness right off of me. and if it doesn't well that's the end of the line. i'm not going to lose any more that would just be stupid.
she took blood again. said my last labs weren't so good and then wouldn't really elaborate. which means she was just doing it to make me a little nervous.
*sigh*
well i have to get ready for the big night out. i should be a nice bag of ass tomorrow. thank god i've got nothing to do.