stupid stupid stupid
Written: 2005-11-05 at 1:53 p.m.
sometimes i feel like i am the biggest fuck up. now i realize that in the grand scheme of things i am not. but you would think that having gotten to today i would have learned something and not be so stupid.
but i am. i am honestly this stupid. i have a bag of coke sitting in my jewlery box. i did it twice this week. thursday night and last night. and i am tempted to do some now. i'm not going to ... but i would like to just so i'm not hungry. i'm such a loser. god.
and on top of that i'm thinking it might not be enough for next week, as i have plans to go out and now i will for sure be doing it twice next week.
the boy has no idea cause he doesn't join me on my forays out. and he doesn't ask why would he. i haven't done anything like this in over a year, over a year and a half. i don't know that he would care its not like i'm how i used to be. nor am i going to get like that. doing it every day or several times a day. thats ridiculous and stupid. but we've already established that i'm one if not both.
i'm not sure that my dr or therapist are reading this yet. because this is not the first time i'm mentioning coke and neither has said anything about it. whatever, i'm not going to be the one to bring it up. my dr's already unhappy about the state of affairs. i've got to go back on wednesday i haven't had to go in weekly in years. :(
i'm not sick, my bloodwork is fine, potassium, electrolytes, everything is fine. i'm not underweight, i'm not aiming to be underweight. i know i'm eating unhealthily. but aside from that i'm pretty ok these days.
i look healthy. for the most part feel healthy. and just want to reach my goal so i can start to figure out how to maintain myself. and move on with my life.
bleh. same story different day?
whatever. i'm going to take the dog out for a walk. i should probably make an appearance while its still light outside.