sucky dr's visit
Written: 2005-10-20 at 12:37 p.m.
well.
yesterday sucked. alot.
usually i just kind of sit around and wait for my dr to come in and she asks me how i am, what i'm eating, how much i weigh. then we bullshit and talk about when we're going to get together and hang out.
i was hardly into the room and getting myself comfortable on the hard ass chair when the nurse came in and asked me to put on a gown. i have not put on a gown in years. and so i told her that thinking she was new and did not know that i don't put on gowns. she said oh ok and left.
my dr came in and said in not a friendly voice at "put on a gown because you look like you haven't eaten since the last time you were in here and i need to know exactly how much you weigh so i know exactly what we have to do with you". i could feel tears forming in my eyes. i know she's a little overdramatic and i know she's a dr and that's her job but ... *sigh* i don't know maybe it just wasn't the best thing to say. i almost left.
so i put on a gown in the freezing room (that hopefully will have the heat on in next time i'm there) and sat nervously on the table. starting to freak out a little, no scratch that. a lot. thinking what if i weigh more on this scale than the one i have at home. i remember there was always a descrepancy and i think it was that i was heavier than i thought. its just going to make it even harder to change any of my calorie amounts for right now, in months, years this is the first time i'm losing any weight and i'm not really willing to stop before reaching my goal weight.
its just five pounds. its nothing. its a few weeks.
anyway. my dr. comes back in and tells me to get on the scale. i ask if i can just tell her what i weigh because i'm afraid i may weigh more here than i do at home. i realize that this is a completely inane thing to verbalize but i couldn't help it. she asked me if i was serious. she told me she was trying very hard not to freak out on me and could i please get onto the scale.
i cried. i have not cried in the dr's office in a long time.
thankfully the weight was the same as my scale so i didn't feel any worse about myself than i already was.
she was not pleased to say the least and asked me how many calories i was eating a day. i shrugged. i didn't want to answer i couldn't quite form the words.
i know i need to stop i know i do. and i know i need help. and i know its stupid for me to keep doing this, for another day, week, month, whatever.
but i could not form the words to tell her the truth. i couldn't admit how little i was eating. so i said under 1,000. which is technically true. its just about 750 calories under. (i'm sorry, for whenever you read this, cause i suppose there's a chance you might come by and read this now. i'm sorry i couldn't tell you the truth.)
i felt horrible. i wouldn't admit to anything... that sometimes i feel spacey, which is not that often. that my body is achey. that i feel like shit most of the time, that i haven't had a visit from the god forsaken poo fairy in days.
these are all things i should have said and instead i said i'm not underweight, and i feel fine.
she asked if i was talkingto my therapist. i nodded, said yes, but not like i was with my old one. i just don't have that ease yet. i think we will eventually just not yet.
she asked me if i wanted to go inpatient. i asked her if she was out of her mind, i have never wanted to go what did she think had changed. fine she says what about a day program two days a week. i'll find you somewhere really really good. absolutely not. whil programs work for some people they just do not work for me. i find myself more anxious than anything else about having to participate with people i don't know. which totally takes the focus off the treatment. and then add to that the anxiety of gaining weight which i just refuse to do.
no way. aside from that. i'm 25 i'm to old to be doing that shit. and i would be by far the largest and grossiest person there and that's just plain embarassing. not that i want to be the thinnest or the sickest ever again. but i certainly don't ever want to be the fattest. if that makes me shallow then fine.